Inner vs outer Beauty.
When I was 26 I had the opportunity to
participate in a fashion show for church. After having 3 babies I
felt pretty good about my shape. I had been sick with one thing after
another and lost all the weight I gained during pregnancy. The
fashion show was not a big deal to anyone but me. It was a church
function. Someone at church had a connection to a clothing store that
offered to let us model some of their clothes for the rest of church
group hoping that we would buy some.
I had a friend at church who
had also recently had a baby. Her name was Sandy. When we went to
choose the 3 outfits we would model, she was kind enough to hold the
baby of one of our other friends who was also trying to select
clothes. Sandy was always smiling and doing things for others. She
was on the look out for how she could help others and show them love.
She was not aware that I had been sick and also that my metabolism is
fast. She was comparing her size to mine and feeling bad. Between the
lack of time she had to choose clothes and her discontent with her
body she made some comments that clued me in that this was not fun
for her.
I was enthralled
with the expensive clothes I would never have purchased. I liked the
outfits enough to draw them in my journal. I went over and over the
upcoming event in my mind. I had always secretly wished to model. It
was as if I was looking desperately for something to make me feel
better about myself. I came in a pretty package. I was not sure about
anything else. I did not feel good about my family of origin or about
my education. I was not sure I was very smart. I graduated from high
school but had only gone to college one year after. I did not win any
awards or have any honors bestowed on me. I could not feel good about
my health or wealth at that time. I did not have any talents to
identify me as a winner. Worst of all I was not sure who I was. This
last problem made me insecure and self focused not to mention self
conscious in many ways.
I learned from my
mother who had the same story I did that looks were everything. It
was our front. The families way of telling the world the lie that we
were normal and all right. We might have our issues playing in the
background but we sure were a good looking group of people. I felt
like God did not rob us of all possible blessings. Looking back on
how strongly I depended on appearances for a foundation is scary. If
someone was not able to keep up appearances I judged them and
secretly felt sorry for them.
The next time we met was the
night of the fashion show. I had been looking forward to it. Then we
were asked to choose accessories, jewelry etc. to accent our outfits.
This was pressure. I wanted to look just right. Looking great was
most important to me. I was caught up in vanity and when it was my
turn to walk down the runway I was not ready. I was standing in my
underwear unable to choose the perfect accessories. That was
embarrassing. They waited for me as I had felt more important than
anyone else.
Now I say as I prepare to go out
in public “ I go out in public for the purpose of loving others.”
I have learned that even if I was
hideous in physical appearance I could still possess an inner beauty.
We each have the divine within us that is glorious and transcends
this fleeting body. As I near 50 years my skin is changing. I have
wrinkles and age spots. I have never felt this beautiful. It is
because I choose to spend more time preparing myself spiritually to
be around others than I do on creating a front for the world.
When it is all said and done
beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If that eye is the pure and
searching eye of God I hope He finds me with the beauty that lasts
eternally.
