Who did it?

     It is wonderful how people are blessed with just the right book or person at the right time. Shortly after began my journey of self discovery I was able to obtain a book that helped me to heal. It was written by an author who had gone through some of the same things I had. I did not know this fully when I went to hear her speak. Her name was Lynne Finney and she wrote “Reach for the Rainbow”. It was an excellent book but, hearing her speak was even more impactful. She was educated and seemed so sure of herself. She had the courage to be open about her abuse and her perpetrator. She had become a lawyer and married. She went on to write more books and to become a therapist. Her success and presence inspired me. I felt so afraid and alone at the lecture. I knew that there were other survivors there and comforted as well as scared me. Coming out with the truth in any way was like coming out against the cult. I knew that it was a rare opportunity to be there. I also felt very dissociative.
     Now 22 years later I want to share my story openly in public the way Lynne did. There are some big differences between her and I. She could write and share because if I remember correctly her father was a perpetrator and he was deceased. There was not a whole group of people that would sue her or pursue her if she told their secrets. I have yet to see what I can do as far as the truth goes.
     I had learned that I had a five year old part broken off and had been dealing with the memory of a rape. It was Easter four days after the discovery of the part I named Elle. Myself, my husband and our three young children were gathered at my grandmothers house to celebrate Easter with my mom, dad and brothers. I was very distraught. All though my grandmothers house was always a place of safety, I was feeling terrible. I am sure why I allowed myself to remember something that day was because it was a safe place for me.
     Whenever I would remember something important I would get physically ill before it came back. I would start feeling tense and the the tension would build until it reached the spilling point. This would often be accompanied by a bad headache or throwing up. I remember being at the dinner table and feeling quite ill. I got up to go outside to take a breath. I left the formal table and was outside near some rosebushes that lined the driveway. My brother had come after me to see if I was all right. I grabbed his arm and we began to walk which eased my anxiety. All that came back to me was a name. I repeated the name over and over again. My brother looked into my red tear streaked face and asked if I was OK. All I could say was I know who it was...It came like an earth shattering revelation.
      When I had told my parents that I had a disassociated part that came about because of a rape they were worried about who the unknown perpetrator was.  That is likely because they were also perpetrators of other crimes and so it was troublesome. Once I named a fellow cult member (that they were actually on the outs with at the time) a sigh of relief was heard. This mans name became synonymous with poison to me.  I labeled him the enemy and all his partners in crime remained undercover at that time.  My family and friends who were associated with the man came crawling out of the woodwork to throw in their evidence that I was in fact remembering something likely.  He was in jail and could not protect himself. I am sure I was able to remember because he was safely a state away.    
       Later after some dust settled over the matter, his wife and his step daughter who was also my cousin from a previous marriage came over to ask what I intended to do about what I remembered. I watched them all get sick when I told them I intended on writing a book and telling the whole world about the injustice there. Was it their reputation or my life they could see endangered. Little did I know about how complicated it was. I had one little memory about one man and myself. He was obviously an out of control sex maniac as my mom had come forth to report about the time he made passes at her.
      My cousin told me about the improper torture she endured as she was forced to go with her mom on their honeymoon and sleep in the same bed with them. I also heard about many other dishonest and evil things the man did. I did not understand how all the evidence was being provided to me so I could sweep the issue under the rug and move on. It took the heat off of others for awhile.  I was aware at some level that I was being watched to see how leaky I was. I knew if I caused too much trouble I could end up missing. I was so very worried about my children and their safety. At the same time I my anger was a powerful driving force and I felt in so much pain I had a hard time not just letting it all hang out.