The miracle of D.I.D

Dissociative Identity Disorder was called multiple personality disorder when I found out I was disordered. The criteria for being disordered in this way is to have two or more well formed distinct personalities. The cause is pathological stress which disrupts normal function and forces some memories, thoughts and actions from consciousness. The cause is often severe child abuse starting at a young age. It was explained to me that is is a neurosis and not a psychosis. This was good news as one diagnosis meant you could change and another meant you were stuck. I was told I was intelligent and creative, a small compliment to offset a major disappointment, for not being normal. The therapist said this little girl part I just discovered was my hero. She handled a problem too big for me to handle at that young age. She was raped and you were able to go on to kindergarten that day because part of you kept the memory until later. At first all I could handle was that I had another part. The idea that a person could have more than one personality had evaded my consciousness before I met the  five year old part. It was a severe blow to the idea I had about myself. It meant I had repressed memories and that I no longer had control of my life. The past was not what I thought it was and the present was so scary. I couldn't remember all I had experienced. It was like opening a door to a hidden world.
                         When I found out I was 26 and had been married 5 years. I had 3 babies under the age of 3 all in diapers. My husband had been working for my father in the family business that had gone bankrupt. He had not been paid for months of work. Unemployment was a blessing as well as a burden because it made my husband available to help me in this time of crisis. It also meant a job change and a move across the country. I found out about having my first personality and a month later after I had sorta accepted that much I learned rapid fire about several more personalities. I became so overwhelmed. IT WAS CRAZY!!! I gave up any sense of control. It was necessary for me to begin my healing quickly as my life was in danger. Once I was "safe" all the memories needed to save me came bleeding  out. It was flashbacks and body memories, reliving some events. I was devastated and so desperate. I was like a gushing broken pipeline. A later therapist helped me see it was like I was running in a panic screaming "Help me! somebody help me!" I told everyone I met what was up with me . I had multiple personalities, my only identity was I was sick. It was the best I could do at the time in a battle for my life and was in so much pain.  I am sure I scared a good many people and I could not worry for my reputation or the long term effects of social judgement.
                         God brought a woman into my life from church. She had a friend who could relate to some of my situation. This lady confided in me that her two children had been cult abused by her husband in the same city I was from. She had a totally different take on D.I.D. then I did. She explained that it is a tremendous blessing. She saw that her children who had been drug through the thickest filth had a part of them that remained untouched and innocent. It was God's way of saving sanity and connection to him. Her ability to believe, accept and deal with the issue gave me hope. I hung to how God let me find a person with as much trust and compassion as she was able to give right when I really needed to feel not so alone.  As time and years passed healing continued I came to see that the preservation of child likeness due to the preserved child personalities is a precious gift. Its helped me stay young and to hold on to the joys of being a child. I still retain an innocence and a strange naivety even after all the worldly exposure. I learned that I had so many personalities that helped me cope with such a variety of challenges.At one time I had 26, as many as there were letters in the alphabet. After that I lost track. Integration became my quest. I found that I can be whatever, whoever, however I want because I created so many different me s to meet the requirements. It was a coping skill and I became aware of how I used this mind game to solve problems that overwhelmed me. It is a very complicated scattered way to live with not much peace. Being one with God is the ultimate integration and oneness. I feel that my experience being broken and coming back to one person is worth the oneness I feel now with God. Incredible suffering forced me to seek relief in God. My current therapist helps me not see myself in parts. It works for me now. That may change tomorrow as this seems to be an endless trip.
     Maybe it would help to understand if you took some trial in your life and then tell the story in third person like it happened to someone else. See if you notice what a relief it is not to be personally responsible for dealing with it. DID is a blessing that gives a life line to those who would have died or gone insane at a young age without it. If you have this blessing I am thankful it saved you.