Generations

    As I helped out at my daughters house with her family after the birth of her third child I had memories of what it was like for me after my third child. I also had imagination about what it may have been like for my mother. My mother was married in the sixties. Her engagement had not been stable. They broke it off twice, once after invitations to their wedding had been sent out. They were both hesitant, feeling that their union was some how wrong. It was her father that insisted that they go through with it. Their honeymoon was miserable and the marriage did not get much better. My mother was lonely and wanted company. She created a family group in a few short years.                    
     Having a toddler, a baby, and a newborn is no easy circumstance. Both my husband and my son in law are very involved supportive dads. My father was disengaged from the start. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol. He was also a workaholic and was addicted to sex as well. He paid the bills and made it so mom could stay at home. It did not mean he changed any diapers or got up in the night to help. He began having affairs not long after they married. I am sure the stress from the instability of their relationship contributed to my mothers neglect and abuse insanity. I can not imagine how she felt or how hard it was for her. I can imagine what it is like to attempt caring for the needs of young children and infants by yourself.  It is very difficult even under the best of circumstances.  I remember painfully how good my mother's best was.
     One of the first personalities I felt the need to create, came about because I required the memories of what it was like to be helpless in a crib and not be able to get out and take care of my own needs. I loved the day that I was able to do some things for myself. Just being an adult has so many advantages when it comes to fending for oneself.  As a person with multiple personalities, breaking off a part to be the ignored crying baby helped me to deal with a detachment injury. This baby left in dirty cloth diapers also forced me to acutely feel the pain of being trapped in a child's Hell.  There was nobody there for me emotionally or physically;  I learned falsely that there was never going to be anyone to take care of my needs. I can still remember the desperation of doing what I could ( screaming, crying) and not having any effect on the situation.  To heal this part of me, I bought a small baby doll that I used to represent myself. I treated it with respect and assured myself that my needs would be met. I am cared for and will not be abused again. Other people can be trusted. I am allowed to have needs. Life is better.
     When we had the three babies in a row I remember the intense struggles we faced at the time. My mother was there at the birth and she helped right after with household duties, but not for long. Blaming my dad, she was not able to help past what was easy or convenient for her.I felt overwhelmed and left wondering if I could handle my new life. Both my husband and I had some serious health problems shortly after the birth. My hormones went wild with graves disease. My husband's doctor suspected he had brain cancer because of cysts in his sinus cavities. Surgery was needed right away. My best source of love was threatened. I felt so overcome and scared. After he survived major surgery, I had my thyroid irradiated and had to quit breastfeeding. It was close to the time when I began to remember my buried past.
As it had been in the past my mother was not able to be there for me.I was able to do  better for my daughter. Sometimes the pain of what you have had to do without, can drive you to do better. Love combined with knowledge of suffering can produce amazing compassion. We might have patterns in our family tree, but I can assure you that my daughter and her husband make having three children close together a beautiful thing! They make the difficult look easy. My grandchildren an abundance of know love and trust. It does my heart good.