Gratitude

     I named this blog beauty for ashes because of a sermon I heard that had a huge impact on me. The man speaking was addressing those who were suffering pain either from their own mistakes or from the harmful choices of others. He was saying that even though there are some situations beyond repair that Jesus could cover it for me. I felt like I had suffered some devastation. It is humorous looking back because it was only the tip of an iceberg. Yet I felt like I had been burned to a heap of ashes and there was not a way to resolve it.
      In those moments I listened I heard that healing was not an event like the one I blamed for the need to heal. It was a process. It was not an answer to a yes or no question, but rather answering with the Lord over and over again. Because of remembering what happened to me when I five I felt betrayed  by God. How could He have let this happen to me? I also questioned where my parents were and why they did not protect me.
   My parents seemed genuinely concerned and upset by the remembering. My mother got sick to her stomach and seemed very nervous. Once I remembered exactly who the perpetrator was she calmed down and felt better.
      The idea that everything could be O.K. again all though this terrible thing happened was comforting. It was sweating to a bitter pill to be swallowed. I was reminded that even though it was important to remember that I was on God's side, that it was also important to remember that God was on my side too. It helped me very much at a time I needed it desperately.
      These things were difficult for my marriage.  We had been married for less than five years. It was easier to blame the external things happening around us then to accept the truth. Sexual abuse is frightening and a huge sexual turnoff. For months before and after I remembered I wished I was a Nun in a convent. My spouse wrote me a note. He apologized blaming himself. He said sorry for not being a better provider, being inadequate spiritually, and for not meeting my expectations. I wrote him notes saying I had been feeling increasingly tense. I felt I was causing the muscle pain because I could not control my subconscious mind from punishing me. I felt unclean and impure. I felt so guilty for I did not know what. Then I felt guilty for doctor bills, complaining, wasting time, and burdening him. I even felt guilty for being guilty.
      That is why the promise of Jesus taking it all away is so wonderful. I could feel that God was with me. I was able to still be close to my dear husband from time to time. I knew how important sex was, but wow was I struggling.
  It was during this hard time that people I went to church with came to my rescue. There was a woman who came in and helped me with housework. She would listen and help take care of the babies. She brought in food for us.
     There was another woman who became my friend. She was at least 10 years my senior. She had a busy life of her own, but she made time to be there for me. I do not know how much harder it would have been without her caring and friendship. She also showed love with food. With the meals and cookies from other people at church I felt supported and loved.
     It has made the choice to do the same for others at church easier. Belonging to a close knit church group throughout my life has made it so much better. I lamented once to one of the dear ladies from church how I felt so bad that she was standing at my sink washing my dishes when I knew she had her own housework to do. She humbly told me that in our church we just took turns. Right now it was my turn to be needy. Someday it would be her turn. She helped me out because she could. She assured me some day I would serve others and that the debt that I felt I owed her would be repaid. I seek to serve others and remember her with a smile on my face.