Romance (part 2)

    True love is a discipline in which each divines the secret self of the other and refuses to believe in the mere daily self. .William Butler Keats. From that first night that we spent talking about all the deep things in the universe I believed I saw Jim’s secret self.

    I did not feel worthy of the respect and kind way he treated me in the months to come. We began spending every waking possible hour together that was not consumed by work or sleep. This forced my parents to panic. A curfew was set up for 1am. It was the first time I had ever had a curfew. We began rising very early in the morning to start the days together.

    We were definitely off balance in love. We could not seem to control ourselves well and were too public in our boundless affection. The pressure from my parents increased. All though they were not religious people they used the religion as a reason for them opposing our relationship. They continued to hope I would marry the other boy and even invited him on a family trip. We were confined to a houseboat together for one of the most miserable weeks of my life. The one good thing it did for me was that I could compare the two relationships and see what I really wanted for the rest of my life.

    Although I did not know the extent of work I had ahead of me to heal, I did know I was a mess. I loved Jim and wanted to spare him the pain I knew being married to me would cause. When he proposed I gently tried to avoid answering him. I knew that up to that point whenever I had opposed the wishes of my parents it had not worked out well. I also could not really believe that he was serious. It was just months ago that he had told me that he did not have any plans for getting married soon. He was not even sure if he would ever get married. I had believed him.

    We were both young and uneducated. Neither of us had a good job or any money saved. Both my family and his advised against our marriage. Their advice was based in logic. In just a few months our lives had changed dramatically.

    Jim found God and religion. This radical change meant new habits and even using different words to communicate. It meant prayer and guidance from God entered and changed how we made decisions. Jim prayed about whether to marry me. The answer was yes.

    He knew it would be hard. He had been around my family enough to see considerable dysfunction. He also had already painfully experienced my confusion and lack of loyalty. There were no guarantees or securities built in to the deal.

    It was based on nothing but faith and a tender bond that was deep. It seemed formed long before we met and to have some tangible quality to it. I loved him so much I felt very unselfish and wanted to give him anything I could to make him happy. From the very start, I believe either one of us would have laid down our life for the other.

    I have never felt completely at ease or at home with someones body like I did with Jim. His body seemed like home to me and there was nothing I did not hold as sweet and holy. I felt familiar and comfortable with every inch of him.

    I was very happy when I made the crazy jump to commit to marriage. I felt like it was a dream too good to true and that I was blessed. We were engaged in the spring and married by the end of summer. I was the only girl and at the time my parents had ample money to pay for the wedding.

    It was hard, because I knew they did not want us to marry. My parents continued to fight it all the way until months after we were married. This made the wedding and reception very stressful. Every choice was a fight and I gave up trying to make it what I wanted.

    By the time for the honeymoon I was ready for a breakdown. I had failed to eat much the week before we married. I was very worried and could not believe I could marry my own choice without concern for my safety. A decision as life altering as marriage was the biggest thing I had ever done against the cult.

    Our first morning together was spent with him spoon-feeding my crumpled weak dehydrated body some broth by the spoonful. We then left for our honeymoon, and drove out of dodge 5 hours and hundreds of miles. Without money for a luxurious honeymoon suite we camped under the stars. It was us and and nature. I felt so good and free for the first time in my life. I knew I had someone I could trust to take care of me. I was no longer under the “dark” rule of my parents. It was heavenly.