Who is to blame?

      The most difficult thing about writing about my life is that it is incriminating. There was so much darkness surrounding my young life. The many types of terrible things associated with that darkness are tragic. How can it be stopped? and why is the question of blame asked. Perhaps assigning blame to someone is a way of avoiding responsibility for it.

      Who is to blame? As a child I wanted so badly to feel there was a some control in the wild world that seemed a free for all for demons. The darkness and the ritual Satanic abuse were staggering to the mind. So I took the blame. Assigning blame to oneself is labeled neurotic. I believe my conscience directed me to see that the way I saw things was wrong. Somehow, I chose to believe that I could have made other choices, like I was responsible for them. Then a therapist would say “Where were your parents in all this?” One by one I became aware of my family members involvement in my childhood tragedy. No one wants to believe that a mother or a father could do such terrible things to their own children. Even seeing a sibling be a part of such cruelty is unbearable. So I went through a period of blaming my family. Then I remembered that I'd been taught by my perpetrators that these practices were traditions handed down generation after generation. “The sins of their fathers” took on real meaning. Then I was mad at my ancestors. I did not want to acknowledge rotten roots.

     Maybe the people in the cult were the ones to blame as my innocent ancestors were born into it. If they were brutally raised upside down who could blame them for living how they were taught. Its not an easy thing to exit a cult when you are taught that the only sure way out is death and even that is questionable.

     Maybe we could blame society as a whole for refusing to see and deal with the reality of abuse. If anything is brushed under the rug it is this! People do not want to believe in Satan. If they do then maybe they might blame him for creating this dark worship.

     There is a terrible connection between religion and Satanism. Maybe Satanism is just a perverted knock off of religion that entails rituals, secrecy, power of positions,serious promises, honors for work performed, and tight knit group to belong to. You could be bitter as a victim and take to hating any human organization noticing the natural corruption of each one. For me the Christian religion was used as a shell so that there were buildings and resources available for my family and their friends to use for evil.

     Blaming and hating myself for the mess, was second only in error to hating God. There is no more ravaging emotion than being angry at God. I felt that I had no right to be angry; but how could I believe that loving God would allow me, or worse, send me into such a hell. How could God in all his goodness be a part of horrid suffering? The fear of God is dreadful. The anger at God is violence turned inward. . Those who use their energy to fight God are weapons of destruction.

     Having come full circle in the blame game, from myself to my creator, I must conclude that God is not a part of this evil. He is not to blame, nor does He sit distantly off and cry a tear of sympathy or two. This evil is not His creation. His mind and eye is pure and no evil disturbs the peace of God. This is our nightmare. It is what we are creating. Circumstances, genetics, timing and combinations of people all make assigning blame fairly impossible. As for all the people who are active participants or those who choose to live in denial and look the other way; God only knows their heart, their outlook, and their possibilities. Only he can judge. Thank God.

     My brother once said to me ,“If you believe that Mom and Dad murdered and were part of all this crime then either you are insane or they are; and either way one of you should be put away. Don't you feel a moral responsibility to bring about justice?” His motive was to see if I was going to use the law or our church to stop them.

     If I were called by God to be witness for the truth I'd do so. But that is the funny thing, there are no courts with God because He knows the truth. He teaches us not to judge. Could God be about love and the judgment is more of man. My belief is what is really lacking in my experience of my first 20 years was love. I have no threatening proof of crime to back up my life. All I have is memories from more than 30 years ago. I can't take on the responsibility for all the wrong done and for bringing all the wrongdoers to justice. I can't stop what goes on all over the world or even in my corner of it. It's enough to heal my own wounds.

    What has been the most healing to me is to believe that there was one perfect man who lived and taught on this disturbed planet. He was exceptionally innocent and in Him, we all are free to be innocent. We can be at one with Him and with God. He sees only the good and the important part of us is preserved. Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. May all the trauma be washed away like a bad dream in the night. Forgiveness replaces blame. Love replaces revenge and my heart is healed.